Un tip cu o maimuta intra intr-un bar. Se duce omul la bar si comanda o bere. Maimuta incepe sa sara de colo colo si baga in gura tot ce gaseste: mananca maslinele si ciresele de pe bar, sare pe masa de biliard si inghite bila 8. Barmanul stupefiat, il intreaba pe tip ce-i cu maimuta. Acesta ii raspunde: - Stai linistit, e maimuta mea, asa face. Nu-ti face griji, pune totul pe nota si platesc. Zis si facut. Dupa vreo 2 saptamani, acelasi tip, aceeasi maimuta, acelasi bar. Incepe maimuta sa sara ca nebuna. Sare pe bar, ia o maslina o baga in fund, o scoate si apoi o inghite. La fel si cu o cireasa. Barmanul, mirat, se adreseaza tipului: - Ce-a patit ma maimuta ta? E de-a dreptul scarbos ceea ce face! - De cand cu bila de biliard, mai intai le masoara!
Care este cea mai adevarata definitie a globalizarii? Raspuns: Moartea printesei Diana! Intrebare: Cum naiba???? Raspuns: O printesa engleza cu un amant egiptean are un accident intr-un tunel francez intr-o masina germana cu motor olandez, condusa de un belgian, beat cu wiskey scotian, urmarita fiind indeaproape de paparazzi italieni pe motociclete japoneze. Printesa era tratata de un doctor american cu medicamente braziliene. Si chestia asta iti este trimisa de un roman care foloseste tehnologia lu' Bill Gates iar tu o citesti pe o clona de IBM care folosesc chipuri taivaneze, cu monitor corean, asamblate de muncitori din Banglades intr-o fabrica din Singapore, transportata cu vapoare de indieni, si descarcata de sicilieni in porturi...
Doi lupi se duc sa fure oi. Ciocanitoarea ii aude si-i paraste ciobanului care se pune la pinda. Seara ajung lupii la stana si vor sa intre pe o gaura din gard. Intra primul lup pe gaura si ciobanul ii arde o bata peste bot. Pune lupu' laba la bot de durere si se intoarce catre celalalt spunindu-i: - Intra tu primul ca pe mine ma bufneste rasul
Un barbat si o femeie merg pe autostrada si se cearta din cauza >> infidelitatii barbatului. Dintr-o data, femeia scoasa din minti apuca >> scula barbatului si o taie, dupa care enervata o arunca pe fereastra. >> >> In spatele lor, intr-o masina un barbat si fetita lui de 7 ani discuta. >> Dintr-o data, scula se izbeste de parbriz, sta lipita un moment si apoi >> >> zboara mai departe.Surprinsa, fetita intreaba: "ce era asta, taticule?" >> >> Rusinat si nevrand sa discute cu fetita lui subiecte e, omul >> raspunde: >> >> " Era doar o insecta ! " >> >> Fetita ramane cu un aer confuz cateva minute si apoi zice: >> >> " In orice caz, avea ditamai scula
Doua gagici, de mult timp prietene, dar de ceva timp casatorite, se hotarasc sa mai iasa si ele in oras, asa ca fetele. Zis si facut. Dupa vreo cateva ore petrecute la un bar , pe inserate se intorc pe jos acasa. La un moment dat una zice: - Fata, ce ma fac? Fac pe mine! Nu mai pot sa tin pana acasa. Cealalta rapunde: - Si eu la fel! Hai sa intram aici la cimitiru asta, ca e intuneric si nu ne vede nimeni. - Bine, dar cu ce ne stergem? - Eu cu bikinii si apoi ii arunc. - E...oi gasi si eu ceva atunci. A doua zi se intalnesc barbatii. - Unde au fost mah nevestele noastre aseara? A mea a venit acasa fara bikini. - Tu stai bine. A mea cand a venit avea o panglica in fund pe care scria: NU TE VOM UITA NICIODATA. FRATII IONESCU!!
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (You MUST read them out loud):
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table .............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Whan Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ..................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush
Asta e hoax. Fraza reala a fost "come from overseas" ceea se traduce cu importuri din China & EU, nu din Canada, Mexic sau alte tari de pe continentul American.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver I don't have one. I had it suspended for a long time.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, Here it is. (It was valid)
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine officer, here's the owner' card. (The driver owned the car)
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box)
Captain: Would you mind opening the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body)
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!!!
Recenta schimbare de avatar a lui drunkenn, m-a făcut să realizez ca ceva lipsea din topicul ăsta; aşa că:
*Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts*
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the posibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
*Additional Chuck Norris Facts*
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
* Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
* The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
* A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
* The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
* If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
* Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
* As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
* Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
0,1 l palinca = Demo
0,25 l palinca = Trial version
0,5 l palinca = Personal edition
0,7 l palinca = Professional edition
1,0 l palinca = Network edition
1,75 l palinca = Small business edition
3 l palinca = Enterprise edition
5 l palinca = Corporate edition
Palinca de casa - Home edition
50-u langa bere - Service pack
50-u de dimineata - Recovery tool
Bere - Patch
Coca-cola, Fanta, 7-up... - Trojan viruses
- Mămico, ce faci goală pe tăticu'?
- Sar pe el ca să-i dezumflu burta...
- Te oboseşti de pomană!.. În fiecare dimineaţă, matuşa îngenunchează şi i-o umflă la loc.
Irinel Columbeanu cu Monica închiriază o cameră la ultimul etaj la Intercontinental.
Monica ia liftul, iar Irinel fuge pe scări în sus.
A doua zi faza se repetă, Monica ia liftul, Irinel fuge pe scări.
În a treia zi, când apar iaraşi cei doi, recepţionerul întreabă:
-Irinel, scuză-mă că te întreb, dar dacă alergi până sus pe scări, când ajungi sus ţi se mai scoală?
-De sculat nu mi se mai scoală, dar scot o limbă!!...