United Airlines anulase unul din zborurile principale ale zilei. Functionara companiei, o blondina sexy, statea tacticoasa si reprograma pasagerii la urmatoarele zboruri. Se formase o coada lunga la ghiseul ei.
Dintr-o data aparu un tip elegant, care fara a sta la rind, isi croieste drum la ghiseu, imbrancindu-i pe cei care asteptau rabdatori sa le vina rindul. Tranti biletul pe tejghea si spuse:
- Trebuie sa iau zborul urmator, urgent. Si vreau numai clasa intai !!!!
Calma, blonda spuse:
- Domnul meu, sunt multi altii inaintea dvs. Faceti bine si asteptati pana va vine randul si o sa vedem ce se poate face.
Enervat, tipul spuse scrasnind din dinti:
- Ai cumva idee cine sunt eu?
Calma, blonda lua microfonul adresindu-se publicului prezent:
- Avem aici un calator care nu stie cine e. Cine poate sa-l ajute sa-l identifice e rugat sa se prezinte la ghiseul 2.
Tipul imbracat elegant se facu rosu-vinat-albastrui si scrisneste printre dinti:
- "Fuck you !"
Fara a se intimida, blondina ii raspunse:
- Stimate Domn, regret dar si pentru asta va trebui sa stati la coada...
Moare ţiganul, iar în Rai se-ntâlneşte cu Ceauşescu.
- Măi ţigane, când a fost mai bine, in vremea mea, sau acum?
- In vremea ta jupâne, că pă vremea aceea politicienii făcea politică, muncitorii lucra, iar ţiganii fura. Acu' insă... politicienii fură, muncitorii face politică, si toti vrea.... să lucrez eu.......
Trei amici, evident romani, erau intr-o barca si dadeau la peste cand deodata un inger vindecator apare langa ei. Astia, inmarmuriti, dupa ce le revine glasul incep sa ii ceara:
- Eu am o durere mare de spate de cativa ani, nu pot sa scap de ea...Ingerul ii atinge spatele si e vindecat!
- Eu trebuie sa port ochelari toata viata, ca nu vad bine, si as vrea sa vad si eu clar lucrurile care ma inconjoara...Ingerul ii ia ochelarii, ii arunca in apa si ochii i se vindeca, vede perfect.. Se uita ingerul si la al treilea...
- Pe mine sa nu ma atingi!!! Io primesc pensie de boala...
Bunicul si nepotul greblau in gradina. Nepotul gaseste o rama care tocmai iesise din gaura si incerca s-o bage inapoi.
- Nu poti baiete, fiindca rama e prea moale si n-o poti impinge!
- Pui pariu cu mine pe cinci dolari?
Bunicul accepta provocarea, nepotul intra in casa, ia un tub de spray cu lac, spreiaza rama, care in doua minute devine rigida. Nepotul o baga astfel in gaura. Bunicul plateste amenda. Mai tarziu intra bunicul in casa dar ia si sprayul cu el. Iese peste vreo juma' de ora cu alti cinci dolari si i-i da nepotului.
- Bunicule, ce batran esti, ai uitat ca mi-ai mai platit odata!
- Nu nepoate, astia-s de la bunica!
Se anunta un concert rock. Sala plina la maxim. Organizatorii anunta ca nu mai vine formatia initiala, dar va canta Adrian Copilu’ Minune… Canta o melodie, toti incep sa fluiere si sa injure numai unul din ultimile randuri incepe sa strige: bis.. bis.. Ceilalti il iau la bataie, insa Adrian , vazand ca are suces macar la unu, mai canta o melodie. Istoria se repeta: Bis.. bis.., iar isi ia omu bataie… Dupa cateva melodii, satui de atata bataie rockerii il lasa in pace, si apoi se aude iar: Bis.. Bis… Biserica mamii voastre de manelisti...
1. Iei in masina o autostopista, o fata tanara si frumoasa. Brusc, fata lesina in masina si o duci la spital. Acest lucru este stresant.
2. Dar la spital, medicii iti spun ca ea este insarcinata si te felicita ca vei fi tatic. Le spui ca nu tu esti tatal, dar fata sustine ca tu esti! Aceasta situatie devine foarte stresanta.
3. Asadar...ceri un test ADN sa demonstrezi ca nu tu esti tatal. La finalul testelor, doctorul iti spune ca esti infertil si cel mai
probabil asa te-ai nascut. Esti extrem de stresat dar totusi te simti usurat.
4. Pe drumul spre casa te gandesti la cei 3 copii ai tai.
Am primit şi eu mailul cu nivelul stresului de dimineaţă
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously with head office in Johannesburg.
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit whereyou want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descendfrom the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
South African low-fare airline kulula.com recently came up with a brand-new, funny livery. One of their Boeing 737-86N (ZS-ZWP / OK-PIK), called “Flying 101″ is entirely covered with details and funny remarks about the plane.
The captain’s window is marked with the big cheese (”captain, my captain!”), the co-pilot’s window with co-captain (the other pilot on the PA system) and the jump seat is for wannabe pilots.
In addition, the following descriptions of plane parts can be found:
galley (cuppa anyone?)
avionics (fancy navigation stuff)
windows (best view in the world)
wing #1 and #2
engine #1 and #2 (26 000 pounds of thrust)
emergency exit = throne zone (more leg room baby!)
seats (better than taxi seats)
some windows = kulula fans (the coolest peeps in the world)
black box (which is actually orange)
landing gear (comes standard with supa-fly mags)
back door (no bribery/corruption here)
tail (featuring an awesome logo)
loo (or mile-high club initiation chamber)
rudder (the steering thingy)
stabiliser (the other steering thingy)
a.p.u. (extra power when you need it most)
galley (food, food, food, food…)
ZS-ZWP (OK-PIK) = secret agent code (aka plane’s registration)
overhead cabins (VIP seating for your hand luggage)
fuel tanks (the go-go juice)
aircon ducts (not that kulula needs it… they’re already cool)
front door (our door is always open … unless we’re at 41 000 feet)
cockpit window = sun roof
nose cone (radar, antenna, and a really big dish inside)
Maşina e varză (se vede niţel şi din unghiul acela, uită-te cu atenţie la partea ei din stânga). Părerea mea de profan e că s-a băgat cu laterala stângă într-un pom or something. Dacă i.-a fost îndoită axa aia de pe mijloc... nu cred c-o mai repară nime'.
Lipsa numerelor de înmatriculare e un hint în plus